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Gratitude Project – for faithful friends with level heads

Posted by Boneweaver (aka pjvj) on August 26, 2011 in Uncategorized

 To you, my dear Mattie. For understanding the "wail-y wail-y" while beating my chest against institutional privilege breathed out by others who’ve known nothing but relative financial comfort. You remained calm and focused. For a gentle reminder without using those words that it is not my job to fix the world. My energy has limits, I need to stop wasting it on the brick walls of willful ignorance.

I ❤ you, Jaclyn Spencer. May you be Blessed!

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Almost this time last year, add two months (gratitude project)

Posted by Boneweaver (aka pjvj) on August 25, 2011 in Uncategorized

The Universe gifted me with a safe space a couple of times per week. It was unexpected, uncanny for where it occurred, and needed and delightful for its effects. The Web shakes the strings and what is needed arrives. Even when what is needed is not known. For someone with my past I cannot overstate the value of a place of complete safety and trust. Never before in such a manner and perhaps never again, but it changed me in ways that still reverberate. Being unmasked yet unafraid … I wondered at it and also wondered if ‘normal’ people got to walk through their life with this feeling a lot. If they had regular spaces and places where it lived, breathing and waiting for them, a refuge. I was at times a bit wistful.

I carry the memory with me and pull the feeling from it whenever I can, whenever I need. It is harder to do now. Not as easy to conjure as it was, but I awoke this morning with it lingering there, gentle reminder of possibilities, of Things Greater Than. Lovely knowledge that some people can make my world better simply by being themselves in their world.

Maybe it was the weather that prompted the smile on awakening, so Autumn-like is today. Maybe it’s that this year’s Shadow Work has thoroughly revealed itself a bit earlier this year than last. Perhaps it is that this year’s Work appears even more terrifying than last year’s. Who’d-a-thunk-it? But. It is what it is. Life reveals Itself every chance It gets. And wacky me will run into this Dark Year with open arms the same as I did last year, trusting the process while not knowing the outcome, without the safety net. *tremble*

So … Love and Blessings to my last year’s safe space. May I be able to continue to conjure the memory and pull that feeling into this year’s Work. Forever indebted to you, grateful grateful grateful.

This was not originally a ‘gratitude project’ post, but now it is so the title gets an edit. 

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Gratitude Project – twisted creativity

Posted by Boneweaver (aka pjvj) on August 24, 2011 in Uncategorized

 Always out of the loop on anything generally in the "pop culture" category, or "classic" category, or "cult" entertainment category for that matter – hhhmmm … okay, out of the loop me had never seen, read, nor was even aware of the story of _Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf_. For those who are aware of certain aspects of my family of origin you should be highly amused by this.

That has been rectified as I went to a dress rehearsal of a local production of it last night as one of my coveners was in it. W!T!F! people. Who sits and thinks, "I want to write a play! Hhhmmm, what shall it be about? I know, broken illusions to the point of insanity manifested in hateful repertoire. No …… how about if they if really love each other. Naw, better – breaking new young couples so they become aware they are just like the protagonists via clever devious wordplay. Hhm. Perhaps just alcoholic want-to-be’s and wished-they’d-been’s with bitterness thrown in for flavour. Which one, which one…..

Oh, I KNOW! I’ll smoosh all of that together! Huzzah!"

Holy shit, folks, hooooooly shit!

At least now I will get all the "George and Martha" jokes. Um, yay?

(The play was excellent truth be told. Raw, horrible, funny, well-acted, well directed, and a damn fine set. I am glad I went to see it.)

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Gratitude Project – for lack of hardcore earthquakes

Posted by Boneweaver (aka pjvj) on August 23, 2011 in Uncategorized

 East Coast gets their own forms of natural disasters which rarely include earthquakes. Today was different, but even where part of a building went down in D.C. it appears no injuries, just a lot of "did the earth move for you, too" jokes and this graphic

Grateful for not having to deal with more tragedy in this part of PA like we did last week with the flash flooding and deaths.

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Sacred Wound

Posted by Boneweaver (aka pjvj) on July 29, 2011 in Uncategorized
 (I don’t think it could get any more appropriate than this to describe the experience since I last posted an entry here.)
 
…………………….
 
I often discover that my reality has been wounded when I try to continue my old way of being. If I can’t go on as I was, my reality has been wounded. When my reality has been wounded, penetrated by a possibility – then nothing is quite the same. I can’t put my old shoes back on; they no longer fit. Truth wounds illusion. Hope wounds despair. Friendship wounds isolation. Reality is never safe. My reality has been wounded. It has a sacred wound and, therefore, a new reality has the possibility of being conceived.
 
Sometimes this conception has nothing to do with my apparent choices. My complacency is broken by an uninvited outside revelation and life is never again the same. Sometimes I invite the process that will bring me my sacred wound………..
 
Even now, I yearn for a time when I was not so aware that I have chosen my life and my work. I would like to indulge in not thinking well of, and revel in the juicy complaints and truths that don’t have the same windy force when I simply acknowledge the simple good intention of others who may choose to do things differently from me.
 
My old shoes don’t fit. The new ones aren’t comfortable. My way of seeing the world has been violated by these ideas. Some of my ways of getting my needs met no longer work for me. My excuses have holes in them. I have been touched and, therefore, I am changed. These four ideas haven’t damaged the integrity of who I am but they have impacted the pathology that was my identity.

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What if you do not own yourself?

Posted by Boneweaver (aka pjvj) on July 22, 2011 in Uncategorized

 From Diana’s Grove:

What if you don’’t own yourself? What if you don’’t belong to you? ………just for this year…. see whether the idea that you are a Steward of Yourself impacts your relationship to yourself.

 
To own: to possess, to have and hold property. To have command of…. 
To Steward: to be a guardian; a steward is one who is employed to take care of….
 
……………..Aside from the obvious responsibility of being a guardian, a steward is employed to do a job. What if taking care of yourself – your body, soul, talent, time, and energy – was your job? There is an implication that you are accountable to some higher being for this charge.
 
This stone, like the three that have preceded it, is not one that I ask you to accept as a truth, but to work with as a possible foundation for building a different structure. Does it change your relationship to yourself, to time, to your other choices?
How would your life change if, for this year, you did not own yourself but were the steward of your body, talent, time and soul? As steward, what changes would you make? What priorities would shift? If…. If you were the Steward of Yourself….
 

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Pagan Tutorial – How to dismiss the Quarters of The Martyr Circle

Posted by Boneweaver (aka pjvj) on July 21, 2011 in Uncategorized

 Earth – solid rock of foundation that produces stones to throw at my fellow man, I thank You for joining us this night in our circle, Hail and Farewell, Blessed Be

 

Air – who’s swift breezes of creativity bring succinct scoldings so easily to my lips, I thank You for joining us this night in our circle, Hail and Farewell, Blessed Be

 

Fire – passionate obstinance, flames of resistance to compassion and wisdom, I thank You for joining us this night in our circle, Hail and Farewell, Blessed Be

 

Water – your fluid cleansing ways of intuition and emotion forever flow just out of my reach, I thank You for joining us this night in our circle, Hail and Farewell, Blessed Be

 

Center – where the elements meet, I stand before you clueless as can be. I am a void. I thank You for joining us this night in our circle, Hail and Farewell, Blessed Be

 

Eris – who’s gentle touch and loving hand guides my every move, bringing discord and strife with every stroke, I thank You for joining us this night in our circle, Hail and Farewell, Blessed Be

 

Oedipus – who’s hubris extends beyond the lines of country, culture, and economic division, bringing the fruits of non-labor to all equally, I thank You for joining us this night in our circle, Hail and Farewell, Blessed Be

 

*snaps fingers and opens circle*

 

~~~~ You’ll note there is no "casting of" this circle. There is no need as the martyr has cast it her/himself. :P~

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What if you believed you were as worthy as Everyone Else?

Posted by Boneweaver (aka pjvj) on July 20, 2011 in Uncategorized

 From Diana’s Grove:

A cornerstone equal to and parallel with ““thinking well of the group”” is ““thinking well of yourself.”” What if for one year, in your interactions with this group, you were to build your relationships on the cornerstone that you are a worthwhile being in the process of becoming whole, and so is everyone else.


. . . . . What if we formed a community where our mistakes were never used as statements about what we innately are; about our intelligence, adaptability or true nature? What if all of our successes were just times when we fulfilled an intention, and they, too, weren’’t statements of our current value?

When your essential worth is not in question, then conversations can be about what happened, rather than about what we are. We may want to share our intentions or the process that led to our choices, but what if for one year, you never had to defend your essential worth to yourself? What if you could say yes when you wanted to and no when you wanted to? What if your worth was not dependent on giving anyone what they wanted, nor was it dependent on not asking anyone for anything that they are unwilling to give?
 
Yes, what if ……?

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Assume good intentions

Posted by Boneweaver (aka pjvj) on July 19, 2011 in Uncategorized

 The title of this post was the first on a list Sunnyhill made when attempting heal a deep brokenness within the congregation. It is a foundational piece of my world view. I have been laughed at many times for it, rarely disappointed by it, occasionally screwed over because of it. It has served me well in spite of a few less than lovely experiences.

So I was quite amused to find the second cornerstone of Diana’s Grove to be pretty much that – assume good intentions. Part of the essay is below, with the full text at the link:

"Thinking Well of the Group begins as simply as Choice. If you choose to be in a group or community, you choose it because you think well of it. If you chose to be in Diana’s Grove Mystery School, I assume that you assume that what happens here is done by well-meaning people who are committed to personal growth, empowerment, spiritual development and building a healthy, respectful relationship with you. I can only assume this if I believe that you are all here due to your own choice.

At times, you may have an experience that is not empowering, that is not healthy and respectful. When that happens, if you think well of the group, you can say, "Wow, that was off. What happened there?" And the person who hurt you or disappointed you can answer you.

Each of us comes into a group with a history. We have experiences of exclusion, of not fitting in, of being hurt by hierarchical structures. We have all been discounted, unheard, and unseen. At times we have been seen and still were rejected or excluded. And we are fairly sophisticated people with psychological savvy. We can assign motivation to an action, we can diagnose the actor. "That was a power play." "She is just so insecure."

We are smart enough to look for the undercurrent in a group. We can find the dynamic. Who is in power? What does the group really want from you? What do you need to know or say to fit in? Who gets the best bed and how did they get it?

Everything isn’t really all peace and harmony, and if it is, what will happen if you disagree? What will you do if you just don’t like someone? What will happen if someone doesn’t like you? What if you’re too friendly and someone thinks your attempt to connect is a sexual violation? What if you are too self-contained and everyone thinks you are unfriendly? What if you ask the wrong question and everyone thinks you are dumb? What if you have the answer and the group thinks you are arrogant? How can you really be safe in a new group? Don’t trust the surface or the obvious. Watch for clues. Discover the feelings beneath the surface. Become highly sensitive to subtle indications of rejection, of inclusion, of boundaries and expectations.

And the minute that your old dis-empowering patterns appear, then you will know the truth. Then you will know what this group is really like.

……I leave this concept, this cornerstone, wondering why when we close our eyes to the sincerely good intentions of others, it is rarely called denial. When we choose to see well-meaning intentions rather than pathology, it is."

It appears I will quoting from the cornerstones of Diana’s Grove all week. Lovely stuff. *smile*

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Reminders, choices; Choices, reminders

Posted by Boneweaver (aka pjvj) on July 18, 2011 in Uncategorized

From Diana’s Grove:

You might want to help me even if I am doing what I want to do and I need help. You might join me because you want to do this job with me and your choice is based on the work that we can do together rather than my state of being. And mutual desire might even be a more rewarding basis for our working relationship than desperation.

If I act from choice, then you will only be involved with me based on your choice. I give up the wondrous power of guilt, shame, and being controlled by desperate circumstances beyond my control.

There is great vulnerability in choice. There is great vulnerability in being powerful or empowered. Neither my honesty about having chosen my life nor the truth that I am a powerful and effective person condemns me to live in a world, alone, without help or need for help. Knowing that I choose, that I do as I will, simply let’s me see myself as accountable for the direction of my life.

I am accountable and the whole world is fluid. My deepest personal philosophy is based on choice, not absolute truth. I am accountable, if not for my fortune and my misfortune, for my continuing involvement in my fortune or misfortune. Choice – if you choose, can imply responsibility but not blame.

Choice does not change reality, only our relationship to it. Choice doesn’t simplify the world, it makes it ultimately more complex. If I am going to think of myself as a being with choice, I need to know what my choices are… I need to know the nature of things that are completely independent of me.

You are independent of me. I may choose to be in a relationship with you and I may choose not to be in a relationship with you, but I can’t choose who you are. How do I choose? I have to talk to you, and listen to you. I have to accept your definition of who you are and add to that my experience of you. I have to communicate, discern, choose and respect your choices. This boulder is getting heavier.

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