At times, you may have an experience that is not empowering, that is not healthy and respectful. When that happens, if you think well of the group, you can say, "Wow, that was off. What happened there?" And the person who hurt you or disappointed you can answer you.

Each of us comes into a group with a history. We have experiences of exclusion, of not fitting in, of being hurt by hierarchical structures. We have all been discounted, unheard, and unseen. At times we have been seen and still were rejected or excluded. And we are fairly sophisticated people with psychological savvy. We can assign motivation to an action, we can diagnose the actor. "That was a power play." "She is just so insecure."

We are smart enough to look for the undercurrent in a group. We can find the dynamic. Who is in power? What does the group really want from you? What do you need to know or say to fit in? Who gets the best bed and how did they get it?

Everything isn’t really all peace and harmony, and if it is, what will happen if you disagree? What will you do if you just don’t like someone? What will happen if someone doesn’t like you? What if you’re too friendly and someone thinks your attempt to connect is a sexual violation? What if you are too self-contained and everyone thinks you are unfriendly? What if you ask the wrong question and everyone thinks you are dumb? What if you have the answer and the group thinks you are arrogant? How can you really be safe in a new group? Don’t trust the surface or the obvious. Watch for clues. Discover the feelings beneath the surface. Become highly sensitive to subtle indications of rejection, of inclusion, of boundaries and expectations.

And the minute that your old dis-empowering patterns appear, then you will know the truth. Then you will know what this group is really like.