I miss my male friends from before I was married. Some (one) hung around for a bit after the marriage. They drifted, they moved, they felt weird after I married – many reasons, all of them valid and none of them (except one) True. Life is.
I miss them dearly right now. In particular I miss one of them right now. Deeply. He was one who I could be honest and raw with and never held it against me later. Who’s replies came as genuinely as he could manage. As gently as he could manage. Yet when hard words needed to be said, he said them.
I adore my female friends.They are divine and loving and harsh when necessary. But there is a difference. Whether by make of societal roles or physiology of genetic gender or spiritually of the "energy stamp" there is a sharp difference – in this reality, in this life. I need that difference. There I said the evil phrase, "I need".
I have my husband of course. He is quite grand. He is also a friend. The relationship being what it is it has "the Sex!" tied all up in it. This includes the part of the heart and the part of the ego bonded with that. Male friendships get to avoid those particular tangled strings where hurt can so easily manifest. I need that.
I didn’t post a "want ad" for it. (Not consciously for those of you with that mind bend going on.) I think the Universe did, though. It does that. Pulling threads and shifting energy and dropping things Right There, in bold type, daring you to ignore it. Of course, as always, you have the choice to ignore it. This time I do not wish to ignore it. Yet my tongue lie still in my mouth recently, thoughts banging in my head met only with the (stubborn?) I-need-NOTHING silence of my tongue.
There are things my spouse cannot provide. There are things that are too painful for him to provide. This puts them into the "not fair to the mate" category mentioned in a previous post I wrote on longevity in relationships. I keep my word, my promises, my vows, my debts and my oaths. I spoke my marriage vows with clear intent and purpose, not rote repetition, as did he.
As the nature of the Shadow Work appeared I remembered the "for worse" part of those vows. I kept silent because the last "for worse" time surrounding these things hurt him so deeply the pain inside was etched on the outside of him almost to where you felt you could peel it off. If I could have, I would have. He had Big Things of his own he was reeling with this past Autumn so I stayed mute with a promise of "later".
Months have now passed. It was "later". Keeping silent is one thing, withholding wholly other. It was time to speak of it. To at least to put a small piece of it out there and see what happens. To check myself. To make sure that the person I was protecting from pain was actually him and not merely me finding a reason to protect myself. To be certain, you see, that I was not simply "going it alone" out of old destructive habits.
So I spoke. The response was so immediate and so intense it almost stopped me. I saw the etching begin again around and in his eyes. I continued speaking (perhaps it was an old pain, briefly revealed, that would be soothed and sucked back in). The etching deepened and spread. It was as if the Gods themselves were drawing on him with scalpels dipped in anguish. "Not fair to my mate," echoed in my brain. "He is not you, he is not like you, and as is the depth of his love so is the depth of his hurt and he cannot stop it. In all fairness you cannot do this to him again." I halted. I steered to another subject. I watched as the tension shallowed with the etching and deep love returned to his face. I saw again the Truth of one of my mantras – that being deeply invested in the happiness of those we love matters. I honor that Truth.
So many things revealed in the Shadow Work. Good and necessary and healing things came with the pain and tears and body memories. Most of those things expected. All Worth It. This last thing revealed – this need – surprised me with its so well suppressed longing. Surprised me how and from where it sprang. Ron, old friend from long ago, you are dearly missed. I understand and honor the reason for your absence, but … where is your replacement?
I need ……
This entry was originally posted at http://pj.dreamwidth.org/282152.html. Please comment here or there there using your LJ ID or OpenID.