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When it hurts so much and you cannot stop it (part ll)

 (A needed clarification.)

A comment on my blog in response to the first post with this title referenced "making new blankets". I replied:

"The new blankets are being created, but the exposed parts waiting for the finished *cough* product are a bit …… fragile. And I hate saying that. Feeling that. Exposing the fragile bits of me is hands down the hardest godsdamn thing I have ever done! I writhe in the awfulness of it. I shake because we all know fragile people are not loved, right? But who cares, right? I don't NEED NO STINKIN' LOVE! RIGHT???

Oh yeah – Wrong. And yet …… fear. A bit tired of the fear, thankyouverymuch."

And really, if we're going to nutshell this, that is the whole thing right there. I could go into long explanations of why and how it came about (and trust me, I have in older blog posts, in roundabout ways), but all they why's and wherefore's are irrelevant. The Me that I've worked so hard against is the "fragile me". The Me that I've been working so hard to become is the one that doesn't hate and hide the fragile me. Hiding for fear I will be auto-rejected on the basis of that fragility alone.

And I asked for this work. I begged, borrowed, and stole for this work. I ran arms wide open into the dark whirlpool hollering my desires and intentions, "I want this!!!" Ask —> receive. Hoo boy – receive by bucketloads! You don't get the connections across people and Worlds from behind a wall. You cannot receive Love and Joy from a closed stance. I knew this going in. I knew the "what" that had to be done. I didn't know the "how" it would happen.

The "how" has come in many forms: solitary inner work, group work, trance, reading, writing, drawing and painting, healthy choices physically and mentally. Tools taught by mentors and friends. Tools handed over by the Gods. Experiences gifted to me by strangers. Words and actions from Kin known and unknown. It comes and comes and comes. And it will continue to come – sometimes easier, sometimes harder, mostly it will just come differently than before. It is not that Big Things will never again occur, but the strength and breadth of the Big Things that had to be toppled from decades of putting them in place and keeping them there is mostly over. More Things will come. They will come in the way of fine tuning what has already been done. They will come as New Stuff. The journey will continue as it should and I will remain arms wide open.

At times I will become overwhelmed to the point that I will flail and weep as I have in the last 36 hours. Flailing and weeping are small prices to pay. Of this I am certain. Even knowing now of the journey what I did not know a few years ago I would absolutely do it all again.

Transformation. It is so very worth it.

This entry was originally posted at http://pj.dreamwidth.org/334914.html. Please comment here or there there using your LJ ID or OpenID.

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