So … it’s a been a helluva start to the dark part of the year. And messy. With much tears, trembling, and finally the cleft beginning to heal. Good thing, too, as I’ve no clue how much longer I could have held out and retained some sense of sanity.

Along with the Issues™ (that will not be detailed in a public blog, but can be spoken of in person) that bubbled up this year (thanks PTB) there are tangential items that need be addressed as they’ve cropped up with a bit of a vengeance. You’d think with the approach that I have with others I could manage just a hair of that compassion for self and Self. Think again.

For awhile there I was actually verbally accepting of compliments that used to bring only sarcasm as a "working toward" internalizing it with an acknowledgment that if something is often voiced by many people then it was worthy to look at a possible truth. I mean I thought it was all well and good to use that logic on the flipside, "If one person says you’re being a bitch you can choose to ignore it. If two people say you’re being a bitch, consider it a possibility. If everyone is telling you you’re being a bitch, maybe you should stop being a bitch if you don’t like it." So yes – it works the same way if someone says "nice" things about you.

I never got past the verbal acceptance part. I allowed saying "Thank you" to be the end instead of the beginning. How’d that work for ya, PJ? When large stresses hit flimsy charades fall fairly easily. *watches the ripped gossamer float to the floor* Yeah – it worked like that. :P~

So, I will renew my vow to answer compliments with a sincere "thank you"; to show graciousness instead of sarcasm. I will work to embrace the kind words spoken rather than shun them with a flip answer. To internalize the idea that if everyone is saying "the nice thing" it likely is true even when it is being said about me. This may take some time, but I Have a Plan.

Another piece of my work this year was to reopen my boundaries, to truly reach toward people, "strangers" instead of only already close friends. Let me clarify that a bit. Reaching out to strangers who are people I may never cross paths with again? This I can do. Reaching out to people who are strangers that I know I will encounter on a fairly regular basis so they will cease to be strangers in relatively short order? This is a struggle for me. Tried and true shields get rebuilt with lightning speed when I’m feeling ….. fragile. (Ugh – still not liking that word even a bit.) So, also working at being fragile while not feeling irreparably breakable at the same time.

And so, the Work continues.

In a first effort at keeping my vow, this is for Lora – thank you for suggesting this. Because, my dear, after the initial squick triggered by a mind-to-body-back-to-mind memory which made it StealthsSquick™ I considered it on my way home and found it be a rather excellent idea to use to tackle this last piece of the Work. Or I am making it insanely harder for myself. *shrug* I’m not certain at this point how much harder "hard" can get, anyway, so I’m willing to chance it. *smile*

Chant lyrics:

If I Touch You

If I touch you I will know you
Though your veil be drawn, you’re glowing
In my mind and soul and body
-Anne Hill

This entry was originally posted at http://pj.dreamwidth.org/277822.html. Please comment here or there there using your LJ ID or OpenID.