Today is the 2nd anniversary of my mum’s death. I’ve been a wreck for 2 weeks and it started by feeling swallowed when an out-of-town friend called me and said they found cancer in her mom. I pushed it back for the length of the phone call, though I feel I was a bit too technical in discussing the options of treating the cancer as a way to not start bawling about my mum because you know – it is *her* mom we were talking about and her pain, and not mine. I didn’t want to make it about me, ya know?
Another dear friend is struggling with her mom’s cancer, too, and it has been extra rough for the both of them the last 2 months. I understand her pain.
I’ve not been posting much in any of my usual haunts. I’ve been bitchy at times when I have been posting. Mostly I’ve just been posting in very short sentences, or phrases even, trying to behave normally. And I’m not posting in these places about the pain I am feeling.
I was blindsided this year by the pain and grief. I was confused why it was so bad this year. Duh. Last year was the first year of my grief and it was so wracked with pain that the increase at the anniversary of her death felt a lot like just more of the same. This year I healed a lot. I began being able to move my focus outward again and enjoy, well, life. So when it hit me this year, it hit hard in comparison. And of course, last Tuesday was pretty horrible because it was the day I had signed my mum onto hospice. Technically she signed herself on, except she told *me* to sign the papers when she was sitting right there, papers on her lap, pen in hand. I don’t know exactly why, but I think it had something to do with "proving" I meant it when I said to her that if she was tired and the pain was too much and she just wanted to die then signing the papers was what she wanted. <—– She asked me. Or, it was too hard emotionally for her to do it herself. I loved her enough to do it for her. I’m sure I posted about it back around then. It still feels like I signed away her life. I KNOW. I didn’t. I know all the correct and proper things about that scene that I can still as clearly as if it were yesterday, but that one part of the feeling remains no matter how screwed up it is.
I expect it not to last too much longer, a waning until near Xmas.
I was gonna proofread for typos, but my eyes are blurred with tears now. Maybe later.
Comments off because I know you all luv me, but if you post your niceness it hurts more ’cause I’m a twisted bitch like that at times. Thanks for reading and caring.